Louis Tannenbaum Louis Tannenbaum 
Louis Quincy Tannenbaum hails from the mean streets of Winston Salem, North Carolina. Born in April of 2000, the earliest chapter of his life remains a mystery. Although he certainly was born to a Mama Baum and probably had several adorable sibling Baums, somehow baby Louis was plucked from his family to be thrust into the murky clutches of a crack whore.
While this hooker seemed to love Louis in her own loopy fashion, she was
woefully unequipped to properly provide for the young Tannenbaum. She named him
"Shep", apparently mistaking him for some kind of sheep dog in her
drug-fueled haze. Under the
hooker's haphazard care, Shep was flea-infested, bony, filthy and hosting three
different kinds of worms. The puppy and his unfortunate caretaker lived in a
flophouse bordering the dumpster area of "The
Michael Faire, a cook employed at the Filling Station, lived
in the apartment just below Shep and the whore. Noticing the woman's frequent
absences and arrests, Mr. Faire became increasingly concerned for Shep's
welfare as he watched Shep grow thinner and more lethargic. Mr. Faire
reached his breaking point when he and fellow cook Robert Buck found the
beleaguered pup scavenging in the dumpster while Crack Whore was serving time
for her trade of choice. Renaming Shep "Crack Dog", Michael and Rob
told the restaurant staff about Crack Dog's sad state of affairs, and implored
them to take him home to a better life.
Their crusade, which lasted the better part of 30 minutes, came to an end when Michael caught the attention of waitress and friend Alicia Collins as she backed her car out of the parking lot. "Look at this poor Crack Dog! He's been eating trash for a week," he called, pointing as the dog licked rancid sour cream off the asphalt.
After brief negotiation, Alicia agreed to take Crack Dog home and make him comfortable for a couple of weeks. She opened the passenger side door and called to the sad sack of bones, and Crack Dog jumped onto the seat without hesitation. They looked each other in the eye. Two worlds collided. Then the girl and the dog sped off into the August night together.
After a few epic
flea baths, some trips to Super Walmart and several crack-whore close calls,
the puppydog was well on his way to shedding his "Shep" and
"Crack Dog" personas. Alicia named him "Louis" after
discovering this was the name he preferred over several others. A visit to the
local veterinarian established that Louis was not an elderly small dog as
previously believed, but a baby medium sized dog.
It has since been speculated that Louis is a Wheaten Terrior, Bichon-Frise, Portuguese Water Dog, and/or poodle mix, or possibly a mashed potatoes/abominable snowman/ewok crossbreed. Regardless of his lineage, Louis was dewormed, vaccinated, and in a decision Alicia bitterly regrets today, baby Baumer was neutered. If Alicia had known the disservice she was doing the world by robbing future generations of the joy and comfort of Tannenbaum progeny, Tannenbaum would be a grandpa many times over today.
Louie settled into his new life, just blocks away from his former squalor. His signature fluffy coat grew in beautifully, and he quickly gained weight and energy. He mastered some basic commands and was housebroken in record speed. Louis had transformed into a happy, handsome young whippersnapper. Alicia threw a barbecue to celebrate Louie's newfound health and to thank Mike Faire for his role in saving Louie from a life of ruin.
As co-guests of
honor, Louis and Mr. Faire shared a beer and Faire was appointed as Louie's
godfather. Louis was officially given the middle name "
Tannenbaum at the Fire Island National Seashore
In August 2001,
Louis and Alicia relocated to the beautiful brownstone-lined neighborhood of
Park Slope in
In the
spring of 2002, Louis chose to convey his complete name in a touching
gesture of newfound friendship with Alicia's gentleman suitor, Brian
Nisbett. Brian and Louis were enjoying an early Sunday morning walk when
suddenly their eyes met and Louis transmitted a telepathic message using his
powerfully intense brainwaves. Brian spontaneously exclaimed,
"Louis Tannenbaum!" and the dog joyfully responded. Louie's
full name was now known, and Brian, Alicia and the dog all celebrated together.
"Tannenbaum" is the German-Jewish word for 'fir
tree', with the family tribe first originating in the southwestern
Louie and Brian with their beloved shag rug.
Although
Tannenbaum's good looks have prompted several actor/model job opportunities
during his time in the
One of the great love affairs of our time.
Tannenbaum's deepest hope is to successfully figure out how to get his Halti© off his face, and to someday reconnect with his long-lost brothers and sisters. He has no idea he is going to partake in a trans-Pacific journey aboard the family sailboat, and wonders when Brian and Alicia are going to take him back home to their apartment.